Valentine’s Day is here! For some, it’s a time to celebrate the love and commitment they share with their special someone. For others, it’s just another consumer-driven holiday encouraging us to splurge on candy, cards, flowers, and other tokens of love.
Although I think Valentine’s Day is a bogus holiday, I do think it’s important to celebrate our relationships and loved ones. Part of celebrating relationships is checking in to ensure they’re healthy, adding value to your life, and allowing you to grow into who you want to be.
Like many things in life, relationships exist on a spectrum. We humans are complex, which makes our relationships unique, multifaceted, and dynamic. We’re social animals meant to live in community with others. Relationships play an important role in our lives and influence our sense of self and mental well-being. Although each relationship you have is unique, there are things to look out for when determining if a relationship is healthy.
Healthy relationships have:
Open communication. When something is bothering you, you’re able to bring it up and talk openly about it. You feel safe sharing personal things but are also comfortable keeping some things private without feeling pressured to share.
Mutual respect. You value one another and treat each other with kindness and respect. You support each other and cheer on your accomplishments and goals. You also respect boundaries and comfort levels.
Boundaries. You have space to be yourself outside of the relationship. You feel confident setting boundaries and saying “no” to something you don’t want to do without fear of their reaction.
Conflict resolution. When disagreements occur, and of course they will, you’re able to compromise and solve conflicts in a fair and rational way. It’s okay to get angry and have fights, but a healthy relationship finds ways to fight fair and not tear each other down in the midst of conflict
Honesty and Trust. You feel confident the other person wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you. You can be honest with this person even when it’s something you know they might not want to hear. You trust they care about you and want you to be happy.
Unhealthy relationship have:
Possessiveness. While jealousy is a normal human emotion, it can become unhealthy when it causes someone to lash out or try to control you. Getting upset when you text or hang out with other people isn’t healthy.
Lack of respect. When you aren’t respected in a relationship, this often causes low self-esteem and self-doubt. They might not respect your boundaries, demean you, or make you feel like you are not an equal part of the relationship.
Manipulation or dishonesty. Distrust can deteriorate any relationship. You may be constantly worried that they are lying to you or worried they will manipulate you to get what they want. Manipulation can be hard to pinpoint in a relationship, especially if you try to make excuses for that person’s actions.
Isolation. There’s nothing wrong with spending a lot of time with someone you care about, but if it seems like they want more and more one-on-one time, it could escalate to them not wanting you to see other people who are important to you. It’s not healthy to have to choose between people you care about. We need all kinds of relationships in order to thrive.
Belittling. This could look like name-calling, making mean comments about people you’re close with, criticizing you, or making you feel like you’re not good enough. Even when things are done “as a joke” it can still influence how we feel about ourselves. It’s helpful to ask yourself, when I leave this person do I feel better about myself or worse?
This Valentine’s Day, take a good look at your own relationships and those of your loved ones. If you notice something that seems unhealthy, have a conversation about it. Sometimes we can get stuck in toxic cycles without realizing it.
If someone in your life is stuck in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, support them by being a safe place to talk. Ask them what you can do to help or how they need your support. Never overstep your boundaries or do something that might put the person in danger. Let them know you’re there for them and can help them find support when they’re ready.
When we have healthy relationships in our life it allows us to feel confident, supported, and valued. We all deserve that. Happy Valentine’s Day!
For more resources on heathy relationships, visit Love is Respect or One Love. If you’re experiencing abuse in your relationship and need help, call The Family Place at 214-941-1991 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
By Cami Fields
Director of Outreach and Education