On page 240 of my high school yearbook from my senior year, you can find me featured on the superlatives page. My best friend and I were featured as “best bromance.”

Alec and I have been best friends since as long as I could remember. Alec and I grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same Jewish day school. We then went to the same preschool and stayed at the same school until we both graduated last summer.

Over the years, Alec and I grew up together participating in similar activities and belonging to the same social groups. When our activities and interests started to drift slightly, our relationship stayed constant. There really was nothing that could tear our friendship apart. We would spend every second together that we could. After school, one could find us at each other’s house, sometimes even without an invitation.

Alec was the only one of my friends that knew my garage code. He would sometimes come through my garage without even telling me he was coming over. Alec’s obsession with milk also made its way into my family household as well. We would often joke about keeping a second carton of milk at our house just for him and oftentimes when he walked in through the garage, he would go straight to our refrigerator to pour himself a glass before coming to say hello to me.

Alec also grew to be a part of my family. He would often find himself included in our family game nights and some of our family road trips. Alec created a relationship with not only every member of my immediate family, but also my extended family and even some of my siblings’ friends as well.

Alec was a constant in my life. I knew regardless of the hardships and challenges that I would face, I would have him as my safety net.

Alec and I went through a few different friend groups throughout middle school and high school. Regardless of transitions and groups forming and crumbling, Alec was always by my side because I always knew that wherever he went, I wanted to be. This was because of our friendship, but also due to the similar values we both shared.

Alec cared more about genuine relationships than status or any other superficial things. He lived to take care of others and would tirelessly put other people before himself without hesitation. Anyone who knew Alec could tell you the was the champion of doing this. He selflessly ensured that everybody else in the room was comfortable before even thinking about how he, himself, felt.

Alec was my rock and my go-to person. Alec was my confidante and someone I knew I could trust with my whole life. When I was feeling down, Alec knew exactly what to say or do to make me feel better. He would often act before I even knew how to verbalize how I was feeling. Alec and I never fought. Alec and I never parted. Alec was more than my best friend. He was a brother to me.

Two months ago, I received a text from my mom to call her when I had time. At the time I was at a dinner for a date party and decided to get up and give her a call. As soon as she started speaking, she burst into tears. My father then tried to give me the news, but he couldn’t get any words out either. Finally, my mother was able to tell me that my best friend, Alec Reid Becker, was no longer with us. She told me that my best friend took his own life. I sat down in the bathroom stall and didn’t start crying because what she had just said had not registered yet. After a few minutes the news sunk in and I broke down. I started sobbing and could not stop.

My mom had called two of my best friends and told me that they were on their way to pick me up from the restaurant. When they got to the restaurant to pick me up, I immediately fell into their arms as they took me back to my dorm.

When I got to my dorm, I was greeted by eight of my closest friends and they stayed with me until my mom was able to fly in. Those few hours of being with my school friends were like living in limbo. Having just received such a traumatizing phone call combined with the comfort of being with my friends was bittersweet. Knowing I had people to care for me through such a difficult time, kept me sane. So, a big thank you to everyone that night.

My mom soon flew in, we stayed one night in a hotel, and then flew back to Dallas early the next morning. While home I was able to be with my family, my home friends, and I was able to spend time with Alec’s family. While it was nice for me to see everybody that I cared about, it also hurt because everyone I cared about, Alec also cared for.

It was really difficult for me to see everyone in my life hurting. So many people flew in for the funeral. Students from my high school graduating class flew in from their respective colleges to come home and honor Alec’s life. The sheer number of people that were in attendance at the funeral service touches on how meaningful their relationships with Alec were, but it also only scratches the surface of the kinds of relationships Alec was able to build. Alec truly made everyone in that room feel like they were his best friend at some point during his lifetime.

While Alec lived a short life, Alec lived a full and meaningful life and managed to touch every person he met. Alec was born on April 26, 2001. He turned 19 last month.

After his funeral, I returned back to school and tried to manage daily life. Fortunately, I had an amazing support system but that doesn’t mean that I got through anything easily. My family and my friends, both from home and at school, were incredibly patient and gave me the time and space necessary to begin the grieving process. I tried to partake in my usual daily activities but failed and failed hard.

No one tells you how hard it is to get back on your feet at 18 years old after losing your best friend. I find myself coming back to that thought very frequently. The thought of confusion because an itinerary for grief does not exist. I was constantly reminded this by my wonderful friends that there is no right way to grieve. They were right. There is no right way to grieve, but for me it really felt like nothing I did felt right, because to me, none of what was going on in my life was right.

Eventually I began to partake in normal daily activities, and I started to get myself back together. Some would say I got over the grief process rather quickly with the help of my friends and family. While my friends and family have been a large part of my journey, I have not gotten over anything. Remembering and grieving Alec’s death will unfortunately be a constant in my life, so for that reason I choose to look at my situation as getting through my new life, not getting over anything.

Unfortunately, I have had some of those face-to-face relationships with my friends stripped away by the shelter-in-place order. While I 100 percent support the order and understand the gravity of the current pandemic, I’ll be the first to say that it sucks.

This pandemic has given me the time and space to really grieve, a gift that has been a true blessing and a curse at times. However, I choose to think of it more as a blessing than a curse. This quarantine has given me some time to fully grieve. I have been alone with my thoughts for the past few weeks and it has given me a new perspective that I would love to share.

Being forcibly separated from many other people is something that seemingly could be harmful to a person who is grieving, like myself. At first, I had this perspective and I refused to face the new reality that I was put into. When I was reminded of Alec by a certain song, memory, game, or show, I attempted to push those feelings down in fear of drowning alone in my thoughts. With the help of my amazingly supportive family, I have changed that original perspective.

Now, I have decided to roll with the waves when they appear. This means I allow myself to feel all of the emotions that come with the grieving process. These feelings include sadness, guilt, and anger of course. However, they also include feelings of temporary joy. I know that sounds crazy, but there are sometimes when I feel joy.

This quarantine has allowed me to remember his life rather than his death. I remember the good times and laughs we shared, and at times I can be at peace and accept my new life. That doesn’t mean I am moving on or that some nights aren’t hard. It is simply a new perspective I am choosing to take.

My point here is that even in the darkest of times, and trust me this sure does feel like the darkest of times, it is still possible to see that light.

This quarantine can make people, including myself, want to self-isolate. It is important we all practice social distancing, but also that we do not use it as an excuse to socially isolate ourselves. Keep reaching out and keep fighting. We will get through this confusing and incredibly tough time together.

By Ross Rubin
Greenhill School
Class of 2019